Welcome to this messy life <body> <body>

Monday, September 24, 2007 @7:47 PM

And she called
Ok, Twenty minutes ago my cell phone rang. I looked at the screen and I saw the dreaded numbers. Before the Break-up she had her own allocated ringtones, her surname (Sunshine) and even her colour. Now, only some meaningless cold numbers. Actually, they are not that meaningless because it just shortened my breath and made my heart explode. (What, me worry?)
What have we talked about? Bills which are remains of the island we used to live in. She wanted to see me so we could talk about that and I declined. I cannotsee her now. Even if I want her to come back so bad, I know it's too dangerous for me. So I just said she could me everything. I asked a few casual questions and then I wished her a good night. So distant, so full of unexpressed feelings (from me). After 4 years it all ends to that: a 7 minute-phone call.
Messy life. Messy me.

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Sunday, September 23, 2007 @9:20 PM

Everybody needs somebody to love
Je t'aime or I love you is the magic formula. It doesn't mean anything, it's just an oath sworn to the present, not to the future.

But saying it to somebody is always pleasant as long as you feel it. In the first step of my messy life, month one AFTBU (After The Break Up) I met someone and I told her What-you-should-not-say according to the Love Gurus. Ok, it lasted one month and ended up really badly but when I was really believing when I said the word. Or I was more in love with the idea of being in love than with her. In any event, but I hadn't anticipated that outcome and to be frank, I don't give a damn (courtesy of R. B.).
But when you dont have anyone around you, you just keep these words as a precious gift. And I've noticed lately that whether when I'm turning off the light or when am lost in my thoughts I say it aloud, in a whisper. And right after I just realize I don't know who I'm talking to. I'm just whispering these words to an unknown love, having yet to make her entrance on the stage of my ...messy life.

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Saturday, September 22, 2007 @9:28 AM

The problem with week-ends.
You can't pretend anymore. There's one point where you end up alone. These are the toughest parts because the GhosTS of The Past are feasting on these tough times and it's hard to look forward. The thing (for now) is that it's not winter yet. But when it comes (along with its discontent)I'll better be prepared.
About the "Hoper Girl" I met, things are getting cleared out: I told her I wanted to be on my own for one week or so, in the typical boyish cowardly way, that is to say, not telling her that I don't want to see her anymore...

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Monday, September 17, 2007 @8:22 PM

So, how to cope?
Well, I have only one answer:




But truth be told, I really mean it. When I feel down, I just sit in front of a screen (whether TV or computer) and I watch The Office. When it's over, I really feel better. And it's the only show that has that effect on me. Perhaps because contrary to other comedies, they don't talk about love andthe characters are so weird (Dwight, anyone?) that I feel pretty normal...

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Sunday, September 16, 2007 @11:11 PM

How to get into the messy part?
When you just broke up, you realize something: you have to go on. You won't cry over what you forever lost forever (nice stunt). when you don't know anybody in that city like me you log on a dating site. I don't know which one is famous in the US but in France it's MEETIC. This is the number one site in Europe and was created by a French (hey, we have to live up to our reputation, don't we?). So, you just fled (actually, you got kicked out) from your Paradise Island and all of a sudden, you just discover through that site an archipelago of other lands. But don't be fooled, if you think you're about to find your Paradise Lost overnight, you're dead wrong. Plus it will add a lot of confusion to your already shaken-up mind. But once you know that and you keep it in mind, fun can begin. The main rule being "Don't become a HOPER".
That's how I got into the messy part.

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@11:24 AM

Where to start?
Well, let's just say that when you are in a transitional situation as mine you have to work on your entourage. When leaving in a city you don't know, when your friends are really far from you, you have to populate your world. So, you meet two sorts of people: the ones you really appreciate but who are not single (read: not as available as you would wish) and the others. The others are those holding the fort. Quite often they would like/hope more from you than you would from them. Let's call it THE HOPER category. And we are all somebody's HOPER, Universe being such a lame joker.
There's a great divide between singles and settling down. And as a single it makes you want to hop in the latter category again but, hey, you can't do it on your own. That's why you're looking for your soul mate so you can walk in the sunset to that now forbidden country. I remember telling my former girlfriend how lucky we were not to be singles. How ironic.

Now, let's cut the theory. Technically speaking, I'm not single. But I'm not in a relationship either (if that were the case, you wouldn't be reading me). So, I'm seeing someone but she isn't the answer. I don't find her that beautiful (actually it tends to be quite the contrary at some time). As for her personality, she is quite (far too) reserved and out of an 8 year-relationship but that's not very relevant. At first, we were just two people seeing each other to find a mutual consolation over our losses. Some sort of a rebound story. But it turned out she is now a HOPER, and of the worst case. Two days ago, she just told me her biological clock was ticking and she insisted on telling me that so "perhaps it will revive your desire for kids".
Good news: my desire for kids is intact (and stronger than ever).
Bad news: not with her, I'm sorry (well, it can also be in the Good news category).

So I won't be riding with her to Settling Down country.

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Friday, September 14, 2007 @10:12 PM

A drunken ship
And I'm the captain. I have always loved the travel metaphor. I mean, we all travel. Trough life, people and for real. And on one fine day, you find an island, your island. You settle and star a new life. You throw away the map, the ship is falling into pieces.
Then one day, an eruption happens, shattering your quiet life. Three words start this armaggedon: "I leave you". And everything change. As your isalnd is devoured by the waters in fury, your crew has has to run as fast as they could to your ship (if they still know where she is) and just like that everybody is on board watching an entire world disappear in front of your incredulous eyes with only the sound of broken heart filling up the air.

So you're sailing once again, on stranger tides. You have to forget your Paradise lost. It is now part of the stories your melancholic seamen tell in the thick of night. You have to find another world. The world you'll build something on that will last until the end of time. And you have one question:
Where are those F*****ing maps!

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Thursday, September 13, 2007 @9:20 PM

So, why?
I know. Starting a new blog from scratch is quite a common thing. Another blog, lost on the web as a star can be lost in the sky. If you landed here when you typed in "surgery", well Google must have gone crazy. But here's a story for you: sometimes writing a blog is a good way to cheer things up. But sometimes it is also a prison cell. Let me explain: my name is Fiddler and I've been blogging for more than 4 years, which are eons in Internet time. My life has been pretty hectic of last and it turned out that my other blog is now read by people that are scrutinizing everything I do. In a nutshell, as I started to blog so as to be "free" and express myself, now I can't do it anymore. So, I decided to start anew, in English, so more people will get to read it (in a perfect world). Yes, I'm French and writing stuff in another language makes things easier, as if this new language was a protection.
So why a messy life?
Stay tuned..
and by the way:
SITE STILL UNDER WORK

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The Story So Far

M Welcome to the show! I'm M., a French guy who's 34 and now single. Everything is falling down and I'm trying to put the remaining parts of my so-called sentimental life together. Welcome to my Messy Life! free music

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